fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married