Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
They must have gotten it to go.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”