My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??