I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Autocorrect completely socks
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Going into Monday like
SF is the wild wild west man
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume