Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
In Canada they just call them geese
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children