No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
when you order from DoorDastardly
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.