*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]