Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
my proudest tweet
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok