People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment