No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You Might Also Like
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones