I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me in tagged photos
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure