I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there