Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.