ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
how to have an accident 101
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.