Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
🙂🙃🥹
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”