[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda