I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
yeah no that’s fair
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.