Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
6. me as a lawyer
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.