[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”