Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.