Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
lol
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!