*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
You Might Also Like
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
the clam before the storm
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.