PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Passwords are more important than ever.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad