My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
i will not be silenced
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
#DesignFail