Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.