Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
😏😏😏
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”