hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I feel it
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
me refusing to leave twitter
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.