We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look