The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.