I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.