*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*