My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I triple waxed for this?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer