I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
*gets down on one knee*
reviewed some movies recently
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.