friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The government even made aliens boring
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.