RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.