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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Person: βI canβt believe Iβve been sitting for two hours.β
Me [from my wheelchair]: βAmateur.β
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
βοΈ
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when sheβs gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a CafΓ© with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesnβt spill.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what