I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading