I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane