FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I hate my earbuds.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents