I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from