[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”