they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
time machine? you mean a clock?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
fourth time’s the charm
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?