ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.