Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?