I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!