I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Natty or not?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
put ‘er there pardner!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
#StillHurts
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”