Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: