pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
welp
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*