When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes