DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie